I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Edward fifth and chaser hands
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just think that if you're going to run around naked outside, a feather boa should be involved. Half for the flair and half for an emergency cover.
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
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