Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
Randomize
