Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
I've eaten cheese dip for three consecutive meals. I think I need to branch out.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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