I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
IT IS NICKEL SHIT NIGHT
*shot. Why
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
everytime he speaks i want to fuck him less. i just wanna tell him to shut up and take his pants off and we could both be happy.
Randomize
