My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Randomize
