she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
its 4th on my favorites list. 1. butt sex 2. mini skirts 3. three meat pizza rolls 4. fuck the pain away by peaches
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
i dont care if it was her birthday. if she leaves me with a half rack of budweiser and her boyfriend obviously shits gonna go down.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
I fished a Couples Masturbation DVD out of somebody’s trash and kept it. That’s how desperate I am.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
