I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
His pillow talk sucks. It was like Mr. Roger's vagina.
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
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