Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I'm drinking sangria out of a sand pail. I'll pass on tonight
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Someone drunkenly cleaned and organized my car last night... Nothing's missing, so that's a plus.
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
