i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Yeah like stabbing myself through the eye with a coffee stir and bleeding out all over the office rug
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
