if you like me you must not know who I am
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
Randomize
