Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
