the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
I found out my butt plug has a metal core at the airport security checkpoint...
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Randomize