She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
You'd think somebody who rolls blunts like jesus himself could roll a god damn burrito
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
