I hope my future cuntsucker is that tight
My liver just broke up with me...
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
It's a hurricane, not a zombie apocalypse. WHY DID YOU BUY SHOTGUNS?!?!
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Sext me about skeletons
he just fucked me for my cheese..
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Just motorboated this 18 year old girl at the bar. The first time was my idea the other 3 she made me. Maybe turning 27 won't be so bad. Haha.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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