I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
she got kicked out of the bar for shoving german chocolate cake in the bartenders face. we were there less than a minute
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
Randomize
