My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig
Good thing you left when you did - ended up getting banned from jimmy johns.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
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I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize