I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.
Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Your penis caused this!
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Randomize
