if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
No... No really he actually thought the condom was meant for his hand...
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
