I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
Were taking his cast off tonite. Need a saw and a gameplan. Meet us at rosies in 30.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
You are cordially invited to an I'm not pregnant laser tag celebration tomorrow. booze is optional.
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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