Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
YOURE ABOUT TO SEE SO MUCH UNCIRCUMCISED DICK
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
outside on the street drinkin, walked into a random house and asked to pee, some kid hands me a beer and says i have to chug it first
Randomize
