I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
Please tell me I didn't send you a dick pic in the middle of Peter Pan..
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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