Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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