I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
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threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
There was blow residue on my chem book and my TA was like, did u stain your notebook with CaCO3?
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And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
What happened?
Vodka. Vodka happened.
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