just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
This beer is not sobering me up at all
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
It's a mix of hot dirty sex and week old bong water
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
Randomize
