I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
This is why I need to move out...so my naked vomit covered walk of shames to the bathroom are only witnessed by one other person who is equally as pathetic as me and the cat
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
