there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
Randomize
