I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
who dressed up as a cop at your party???
idk I have to check. Why?
he gave me the best strip search of my life. FIND HIM.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
he is sitting in the driveway by himself laughing at nothing, idk what to do
Randomize
