She turned over and said "You smell like my dad, i just can't do this"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
Im just using you for your dick and your superb survival skills if needed.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
