Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
Randomize
