When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
apparentely "Beer Pong Champ" is not a profession, no wonder they havent called me back......
told ya
When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
