I was just given a safe word. It's going it be an interesting night.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
Hold on... Are we having an intellectual conversation about porn?
Yup
I love us.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
Hooked up with another cop last night. Think I am renaming my vagina "dispatch"
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
