I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
he stopped talking to me after i tried to use his body as a surf board
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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