I need to stop coming to work sober
Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
bitch asked me if i cared if she kept her snuggie on while we had sex
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
