Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
