its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Randomize
