drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Randomize
