just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
OMG WE ARE UP TO THREE MINORS WORKING HERE. I AM NOT READY FOR THIS MID LIFE CRISIS.
Randomize
