idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
My mother just asked me if i ever swallow the goods...should i be concerned?
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Then this bride walked into the bar, she thought it would be a good idea to hug her & then she started playing parachute with her train.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
