I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You know you have a good math teacher when we're talkIng about mixture problems and no one gets it until he explains it by talking about mixing alcohol
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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