I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
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