forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Doing the walk of shame from the back of a Jeep to the porta potty it's parked next to while your dad watches is not what you want.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
What can I say, like your penis. The fact that I like the person attached to it helps too
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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