the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
I misjudged the power of my pelvic thrusting capabilities. His nose is broken. Thoughts?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
