I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I checked into jail on foursquare
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
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