When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?
All I want for Christmas is my co-worker's speakerphone to be thrown against a brick wall, and the remains burned in a backyard fire while I roast a hot dog over it. Is that so much to ask?
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
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