Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
i was just lookin through my fb pics and i think im with a cat in like 40% of them..: how sad is my life
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
Randomize
