I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
