She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
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