the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
Those nachos came to me in a dream
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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