just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
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