And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
What I've learned from glowsticks: glowing things are not safe to eat
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
