He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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