so that wasnt chicken after all
I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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