high people should be assigned attendants
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
This Asian instant coffee I found in ur kitchen is like crack. Who knew I could feel my heart beating in my asshole after one cup of this happiness.
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
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