Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
