Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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