32 messages asking me to suck his dick. And there for a minute i thought i was desperate. ha!
Hahahaha
make that 40.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm about to have a bowl of Advils... without any fucking milk.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
