i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Hypothetically - think of it as Schrodinger's blow-job.
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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